Hello and thank you for coming to read my story, I’m glad you’re here, I hope you find some peace and connection in my words, and know that you are not alone in your grief and loss. If I may be of support to you, please reach out for help. I am here.
I’m wanting to shine some light on a very sensitive subject dear to the heart of those who have lost an angel baby. Even with children of my own I’ve had multiple losses and want to share this as a way of putting information under the lime light for those experiencing or dealing with Miscarriage. My heart goes out to you all x
I am so sorry for your loss This can feel like the worst experience of your lifetime. For so many of us, our parenting journey begins with the first positive pregnancy test, and often times even before that with pre-conception care and especially if there have been any fertility issues.
You began to imagine life as a parent, you have probably wondered about pregnancy, childbirth, how this would affect your career and what would change in all of your relationships, but what you never imagined happened to you this is every parent’s worst nightmare – miscarrage. All of your hopes and dreams about parenthood were unexpectedly taken away and ended in tragedy. I know because I have been there, and I have friends and family who have also experienced this. It is not an easy road, or one you ever asked for, or would have chosen for yourself and yet you are here, and whether or not we ever connect, my heart goes out to you and your family.
The loss that comes with any form of miscarrage can feel so isolating our culture does such a poor job of supporting grieving parents that it’s easy to think you’re going “crazy” or should be better by now. Perhaps you’ve experienced multiple miscarriages, you’re not sure you’ll ever survive this, yet you are here and you are doing this you don’t have to do it alone.
Carrying on and living through loss has its hardships because at some point in this life we all experience it, we endure the emotions and emptyness that comes with it. It was only recently that I had suffered a loss, I didn’t want it to happen, I had no idea it would no one ever does but I had a miscarriage it was called a blighted ovum.
We lock deep down the feelings and sadness and carry on living with the pain of it, over time it gets easier but we don’t ever forget what we have been through how it made our bodys feel how it changed everything and how we have a special place in our heart that we hold forever for our angel baby’s. Some people call us angel mum’s there are different types of loss different stages and types of loss in which this can happen.
For me I wanted to share my experience in a hope that it reaches out to who ever reads this, to know they are not alone and some how reading my story and past experience with loss and grief will make the burden of such a tragedy seem less like a lonley experience and more of an experience we can feel supported and cared for with our feelings on the subject.
I’ve had three miscarriages all different in nature and all just as saddening, painful and life changing as the other. I felt alone inside and experienced so many emotions, would it have helped if people close to me where more attentive to what I was going through/feeling maybe, would it have helped if people weren’t so insensitive with the process of my loss or with how they spoke to me about my pregnancy/miscarriage maybe, would it have eased the pain if I didn’t have to live in limbo with doctor’s visits and test for weeks definitely! In reality this was my own very personal experience to live through and there is a world of woman who have actually been where I have and with social media there is a massive network of support, in a way I felt it is my story I need to share to reach out and not to relive memorys of what could of been but be more thankful for my life and my children, relying on hope and belief that things truly do happen for a reason sometimes out of our control.
Second trimester loss (16 weeks exactly) June 1st, 2014
I had a healthy pregnancy and was glowing with that glow of a first time mum to be. I felt so amazing knowing I had this beautiful life growing strongly inside of me and so life was going great! I gave up bad habits and turned my attitude around when it came to focusing on my health and wellbeing and absolutely loving exploring the idea of buying a cot, already buying some newborn clothes and toys. Never in my mind did it accure to me that I could loss my pregnancy it didn’t even cross my mind, because you see I lived my life as I usually did typically optimistic and positive and never experiencing a miscarriage I didn’t consider it to happen to me. I could say strongly… I felt like this pregnancy would happen and it was just going to be amazing.
I had morning sickness, tired days and nights, growth pain, cravings and started to out grow some of my favorite clothes. I even developed a tiny stretch mark on my beautiful baby belly, I was one proud woman inside and out. I had my nuchal translucency scan an ultrasound scan required (but optional) at 12 to 13 weeks into my pregnancy. This measures the thickness of fluid behind the baby’s neck, called the nuchal translucency and can provide evidence of chromosomel aabnormalities. The results where fabulous, I was satisfied this pregnancy was going as perfectly as it should be, I even felt a small movement from my angel baby at 15 weeks 7 days gestation in my pregnancy it was a special moment I will never forget because what happened the following morning just shook me inside and out and turned my life upside down for a longtime to come.
I experienced pain and a small pv bleed the pain was increasing and decreasing, so worried I drove myself to the emergency room it was terrifying and disheartening I wouldn’t be able to put into words how it felt.
I spent all morning right through to the late afternoon in the hospital being examined by gynecologists with concerns that I was low in progesterone and that there was evidence of a threatened miscarriage but they didn’t rule it out as my HCG levels and scan showed up looking great. They gave me some strong pain relief and my levels of pain decreased and seemed to subside at hospital, I left with a script for progesterone..
Progesterone – is a hormone that helps your uterus grow during pregnancy and keeps it from having contractions, treatment with progesterone during pregnancy may help some women reduce their risk for premature birth.
When I got home I lyed down and prayed so hard that I wouldn’t lose this beautiful baby that I could feel and was physically apart of me. As my partner arrived home later that day from work we both knew something just wasn’t right with the sharp pains I was getting they weren’t showing signs of slowing, my pain wasn’t going away my heart was sinking I needed to go back to the hospital and straight to the birthing suite to be seen by the doctors as planned (if anything else was to happen that’s where I needed to go straight away). The doctors looked at me and my partner walking in and as I’d seen them earlier they knew why I was there and just looked saddened, I guess I just knew I was losing my baby I was having a miscarriage even though every inche of my heart and being prayed so hard it wasn’t going to happen to me, to us, how could this be?
This is the hardest part to share I guess, it is still so raw for me, I have never gotten over this part of my journey with my angel baby I never will. Late afternoon at roughly 4pm the nurse escorted me to a small room and I lyed down with increasing pain becoming more like jolts down my back it was so intense the pain was unbearable, I received alot of pain killers they where very strong, I was dazed and I felt like I was in another world…. my state of mind was messy, I was alone until they allowed my partner to come back at roughly 8pm, with my labour pain I spent energy I didn’t have fighting the pain for hours, I didn’t want to lose my baby!!!
Exhausted I tried to sleep as the pain had subsided for awhile, when I awoke I felt a small solid mass between my legs and I knew the baby had passed it was 2am in the morning. I just cryed in disbelief I was terrified, I woke my partner to get the doctors, a team came in and started to remove everything delicately as they didn’t want to leave product behind in the event of future problems like infection. When it was over the best way I could explain it is how it was such an empty place to be in that night/morning, a dark and scary nightmare I wasn’t going to wake up from. I was in shock and disbelief of what had happened to me I wasn’t ready to accept any of it.
The nurse came in and asked if we would like to see our boy “a boy” a sweet innocent boy this tiny person we created was “a beautiful boy”
We said no at first scared of what we would see. But she came in again and said for peace of mind/closure it would be best to see him he was our special boy and we really should look at him one last time and we agreed, I didn’t want to go without seeing him, because this was it the end of my pregnancy, my dreams shattered, my son taken before he could even grow into a newborn, I will never forget him.
A human boy that was translucent in colour with five fingers, five toes, eyes, nose and belly button “everything” a beautiful human being is blessed with, he came to us in a large kidney dish he was beautiful, tiny, fragile and majestic…. all the things you would imagine a human baby would look like at a 16 week gestation.
We left in the late morning with a keepsake box from the hospital with a picture of our angel and hand and foot prints also a blanket and other resources to help us through our loss. I can see him anytime and remember his presence and the time I spent growing together with him my first birthing experience my first pregnancy. My family held a memorial and we went to the beach and said our goodbyes it was a very emotional time and hard to swallow.
The three months to follow….
I was diagnosed shortly afterward with an incompetent cervix
“An incompetent cervix, also called a cervical insufficiency, occurs when weak cervical tissue causes or contributes to premature birth or the loss of an otherwise healthy pregnancy”.
As a precaution they refused to give me a DNC I spent nearly three months in and out of hospital with heavy PV bleeding and clots the size of golf balls I was unwell the whole time and I was in alot of pain, it was like reliving my loss and the experience of it every week. I went and saw a social worker to work through my feelings and got HCG tests weekly till my levels finally dropped to normal it was a long journey to recovery I spent it crying alot and asking why.
I received results of tests done on the umbilical cord of our little boy he had an infection inside of his umbilical cord it was swollen and unknown how or why as there was no signs or indicators of this infection eventually it would of reached our little boy and he would of been to weak to fight it. It was evident I was going to lose him no matter what I did. It was never disclosed an actual type/diagnostic of this infection in the umbilical cord sadly.
He was cremated and rests at the grounds of the hospital church so I can go see him anytime. I prefer his memorial spot by the ocean the connection feels more real for me.
He had a beautiful soul, I hope his soul is resting in peace and he knew how much his mum and dad loved him and will do forever.
After everything I went through I survived such an ordeal and went on to have my son Jay he’s now four and was a healthy baby and a natural birth. Also 18 months on I also conceived my two year old Koby also a natural birth. Both high risk pregnancys and a cervical stitch at 14 weeks to prevent losing them due to a diagnosed incompetent cervixs.
Experiencing an Early Pregnancy Miscarriage (7 weeks gestation) July 14th, 2018
Simply excited to see I was nearly two weeks pregnant by my digital test it was the best news as we have planned for our third baby!!! It wasn’t planned lightly we thought through every scenario but in our hearts we have so much love left for another miracle to come into our lives our number three.
I went and got my HCG levels tested to confirm my pregnancy and it was the real deal! So excited I was so eager to have my first scan all booked. After two successful pregnancys I felt my chances of having a healthy baby a reality.
By five weeks gestation I noticed some brown PV bleeding and it didn’t seem to taper off concerned I went to my doctors but couldn’t rush anything really I was helpless to do anything about this, plus all the advise I was given was it’s also normal to bleed so try not to worry.
I was extremely anxious and nearing my seventh week of pregnancy I went to the emergency room at the hospital with pains and heavier bleeding no longer wanting to wait for my booked scan to see the heartbeat/fetal pole I was so positive I would see, they gave me an ultra sound and it didn’t show anything but a gestation sac of five to six weeks and no fetal pole, my HCG levels had dropped and I was losing my pregnancy it happened so fast I felt deprived and weak I felt grief and down on myself.
I did lose my angel baby I got told the embro stopped growing around five weeks this heart breaking news was intense and so was my life at that point I was moving house and also getting very sick with the flu and still miscarrying my pregnancy it was really tough on me and my partner, the body knows when something is wrong and that it naturally will not continue the pregnancy if there is chromosomel abnormalities very early on or of that nature.
It took about 6 weeks to get my regular cycles back and they where painful for awhile, but eventually became regular and so did our lives we regained some normality after our loss but we lost another soul, the pain rests in our hearts the sadness of losing another angel baby, so again we wanted to try for our third baby and wait for the right time giving it some space inbetween.
Experiencing a Blighted Ovum (10-11 weeks gestation) April 17th, 2019
Trying for our third child again after our loss not even a year on we tryed to conceive for three months and the universe blessed us again! We were pregnant and couldn’t be happier, interestingly enough It felt like I couldn’t get to the doctors office fast enough with my positive test to dish the amazing news I had and to start the process to get my HCG levels checked and arrange for a scan in the following weeks to come.
I felt nervous too, anxiety and uncertainties surrounding my pregnancy like it was to good to be true, but with the love and support of my partner I grew to be more confident that everything would be okay and that this was the one and how amazing it will be to reach our gender scan, see a heart beat, feel my belly change, my moods and cravings…. The list goes on! My goal was to be optimistic and positive that all would be well in the weeks to come.
Roughly around five weeks along I started to get some dark brown spotting, very light and nothing I felt to worried about. I had read that in early pregnancy PV bleeding old or new is nothing to worry about (Google is not your best friend really bleeding of any sort can be normal but abnormal too, go see your doctor if your worried). Naturally concerned I went to my doctor and got a blood test to see if my HCG levels had risen and where normal as per my gestation.
It was a long wait that day sitting near my phone waiting for my doctor to call with my results, finally she called me and told me that it was given the all clear my levels of HCG where consistent to my gestation of pregnancy and to not be to worried at that point. I was overwhelmed with relief and my sadness slipped away and my confidence in this beautiful pregnancy was on the up! I was feeling at ease and so happy!
Along came my scan March the 27th 2019 I felt anxiety and honestly scared, but confident to see a fetal pole and a heart beat after all I was nearly eight weeks pregnant (wow time flys!).
My scan revealed a five week and six day gestational sac with a small yolk sac inside but no fetal pole. Measuring nearly two weeks off my actual dates they suggested I possibly ovulated late and to come back in a week to see if there was growth and a fetal pole then. I went back and in exactly a week the sac had grown to six weeks and the yolk sac still present. The diagnostic was a Blighted Ovum at that point, I had never heard of this before and spent time wrapping my head around such a thing.
My PV bleeding was old blood and I definitely was still feeling all the pregnancy symptoms alot of nausea, bloated and very tender breasts, I felt growth that was the most confusingly, mentally and trivial thing to process feeling completely pregnant yet no viable embro had fully formed inside the sac that was still growing weekly.
I would like to fast track for you how I felt inbetween scans and afterward I was miserable, sad, confused, grieving, feelings of loss, emptyness, unhappy, fear, stress and all the above. I felt like I had lost my pregnancy before it was medically diagnosed non viable or a miscarriage, it didn’t feel right it was terribly painful to go through and it was breaking my heart. I wanted to believe that there was a chance but that light was dimming by the day.
I got refered to The early pregnancy unit at the hospital and spoke to a doctor there it was an overview of things to come of what was happening with my pregnancy.
By Australian standards I was still pregnant my HCG levels and scan a week before had suggested that I may still indeed be pregnant and they had to wait.
Confused already!!! I was…. they gave me hope where there was non and lead me to believe somehow I would walk out of this situation possibly normally pregnant. It was far from normal I was losing old PV blood my scan showed no viable life and wasn’t growing consistent to a normal pregnancy.
Coming up to week ten/eleven of my pregnancy I began to bleed and this time it was red PV bleeding and it wasnt slowing, accompanied by cramping my partner encouraged me to go to the emergency room as this was hitting both of us pretty hard we didn’t want to sit and wait anymore. They saw me straight away and did a spec exam and HCG blood test. I had a closed cervixs and my bloods showed my hcg had dropped only slightly so again with a smile on the doctors face she said this was a threatened miscarriage and sent me for a scan, the truth was there in the scan a blighted ovum no viable pregnancy and the gestational sac was still growing it was showing to have grown to seven weeks gestation.
I got given the okay to go home on the terms that if I bleed and filled a pad every hour for three hours to go back to the emergency room. I spent the evening (after returning home) in horrible cramping pain, I was starting to pass clots and they where what felt like the start of the miscarriage of my blighted ovum. The next day I was in horrible cramping pain again passing clots again and feeling terribly unwell. It was then agreed that first thing I will go to the hospital and demand to have something done about my pregnancy I was losing so painfully and slowly.
I went to the emergency room and luckily I had the same doctor who had seen my at the early pregnancy unit and the day prior when I went to emergency. He was so respectful and really moved things along for me, he showed compassion it was a light in a time of darkness for me. I had another scan to confirm the blighted ovum, even now it nearly eleven weeks along in my pregnancy my scan showed a gestational sac of seven weeks and no viable life inside even the yolk sac had disappeared. I requested a DNC (dilatation and curettage) after another confirmation scan and blood checks by the head gynecologist/doctor I got approved to go on the emergency wait list and made Nil by mouth to wait for a surgery I was possibly having that day.
I waited roughly three hours and then the nurse came in and got me prepped for surgery. While I was waiting those long hours in the waiting room I was sad, crying, lost and relieved all at once. My Blighted Ovum had gone on for nearly eleven weeks and all the pain and suffering it had caused me left me empty and so worn out and tired I was done. Getting the DNC was the best decision, my blighted ovum was not going on its own and it was painful long and exhausting.
It was only an hour and a half after my surgery I got released from hospital and my partner and children picked me up it was such a beautiful moment to see my childrens faces smiling at me they had a half there mother for nearly a month as I was going through such a rough time. Recovery takes time pain is bareable and managable with Panadol and nurphen regularly and support from loved ones to keep you on your toes and positive it’s a very confusing and daunting time.
I’ve spent countless hours going through details of everything I’ve been through and I wanted to be honest and helpful to someone out there going through what I’ve been through or similar.
It’s been a journey so far to get here to this point in time where I’m bouncing back and eagerly ready to try again. It takes strength and determination to pull through such hardships and tragedy’s and loss and with love and support you can do it you can try again, I’m proof of that and wish who ever reads this the most positive and happy journey and the most love and luck your way X
Thank you for reading my story, please feel free to share your story or comment below. Cassie x